Category: Food

  • dine back in time in kemah, texas: tasting history at th_prsrv

    dine back in time in kemah, texas: tasting history at th_prsrv

    There’s a town to be found just under an hour outside of Houston, nestled along the highway on the concave coastline of Galveston Bay. Named Kemah, meaning “wind in the face” among the indigenous Karankawa people who once lived here, the town has undergone significant several changes over the course of its 100+ years, going from fishing village to den of vice to family-friendly tourist hub in relatively short order.

    Since the 1990s, the Kemah Boardwalk in particular has hogged much of the town’s attention, developed as it was into a monolithic corporate amusement park now run by Houston Rockets owner Tilman Fertitta. Here in this kingdom, travelers can treat themselves to Fertitta-owned restaurants like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., the only casual dining chain inspired by a major motion picture.

    Our group, however, didn’t come all this way to be gorge ourselves on dishes like the Run Across America Sampler and Forrest’s Seafood Feast. Rather, we were headed hardly a half a mile away from Kemah’s historic lighthouse-cum-watertower, next to the Skinfit Face & Body Spa, and across the street from the Holiday Inn Courtyard by Marriott.

    Our destination was a particular little place called Th_Prsrv.

    Though the building at 709 Harris Avenue might look like a double-decker Olive Garden®, it most certainly is not. If the venue’s giant parking lot wine bottle didn’t give it away, the trellised garden and greenhouse might: we may as well have been miles away from Crazy Alan’s Swamp Shack and Skallywag Suds N’ Grub. Featuring a winery, a distillery, and two high concept dining options all within its relatively small footprint, we were now within Chef David Skinner’s domain(e), as ambitious a project as one can imagine finding in such proximity to a Dippin’ Dots.

    Skinner, the compound’s founder and proprietor, was born in Oklahoma to a Choctaw family, and since his teenage years, he’s been running restaurants. According to his website, his first was named after an Edith “Pilaf” song, a ten-seat affair in the back of his grandmother’s shop, followed by other forays into the restaurant business. Then, after a lengthy detour into the world commodity trading, Skinner would reemerge in the commercial kitchen, French-themed culinary entendres and all, by the year of 2014.

    Since then, Skinner’s flagship restaurant, eculent, has been a major critical success to those in the know. Declared “tastier” than Chicago’s 3-starred Alinea, Skinner’s playful, eclectic tasting menu (of which he claims around 70% is sourced from his garden) has featured whimsical concoctions such as gooseneck barnacle pretzels, cauliflower puree molded into the shape of a brain, then topped with caviar, and something called “Shrubbery and a Lick”. And though our evening’s experience would involve none of the above, the latter image isn’t quite so far off.

    Upon entering Th_Prsrv, eculent’s sister restaurant contained under the same roof, guests are treated to a sensory blast that brings to mind something of an adult Rainforest Cafe. With no lack of fake plants and twinkle lights snaking across the dark ceiling and hanging over a long, communal table, the mood certainly reads casual. It’s a refreshing counterpoint to the stark minimalism found in many of its contemporary fine diners (or at least those I’ve seen on TV).

    Lush and quirky restaurant bathroom with green mood lighting.
    Here, you can play the kalimba while you poop.

    Counting thirty-six seats in total, with plenty of young staff eager to show us to ours, the tiny restaurant is clearly a product of some strange premonition. Opening in May 2023 as part of a collaboration with 2024’s James Beard Best Texas Chef Award Winner Jabthong “G” Benchawan Painter and her sommelier husband, Graham, Th_Prsrv aims to marry the Choctaw and Thai traditions of each respective chef, taking its guests on a trip across a vast culinary timeline that’s literally printed on the menu, from 2400 BCE to today.

    Once everyone is settled in their seats, Graham enters with the charm and flash of a carnival barker. Bald, beared, and brash in an aloha shirt that out-kitsches the surrounding décor, the impassioned wine steward warms up the room with a brief rundown of what to expect of the evening, his predominantly indigenous pairings served alongside courses which alternate between each chef, together telling the tale of how these two cuisines evolved.

    Skinner, rather imposing in stature, leads off the show by conjuring up memories of his grandmother’s root cellar, presenting lightly fermented fiddleheads, wild ramps, and a broad palette of other Thai and American vegetables preserved in their own sweat and served alongside sunflower butter topped, inevitably, with flowers.

    A wooden platter full of brightly colored vegetables at a fine dining establishment.
    A plethora of pickles.

    Next, Chef “G”, quick to smile and at times breathless from running back and forth from the kitchen, draws our attention to the note of galangal in her own subsequent dish. Flavoring a crisp canapé of catfish topped with prawn marinated in ginger and lime leaves, she notes that this rhizomatous root would’ve been one of the primary sources of piquancy before the Europeans tried in vain to colonize her native country.

    Throughout the night, each course represents an exercise in restraint, following a strict narrative defined by past trade winds. Rather than following traditional, academic recipes in entirety, both chefs take their own liberties, Frankensteining each dish together from ingredients in accordance with what was available any given period, making for some rather interesting outcomes.

    Two small tapas in a small black bowl on a wooden table in an elegant restaurant.
    Chef G’s coconut-soaked crab on popped coconut rice.

    “Mother Earth”, on the Choctaw side, uses black ants to lend a hint of zest to its of bison tartare, representing the epoch before the Spanish introduced citrus to the Americas. Later, we’re told, a Choctaw corn soup featuring a bit of jowl represents the year 1540, when De Soto brought pigs to the New World. Only after the 17th century, when the Portuguese imported chilis to Thailand, are we treated to the familiar zip to which we’re all accustomed with such cuisine, manifest in the form of a spicy but otherwise tepid mushroom soup flavored with red ant eggs and the long, slender Chinda pepper.

    The wines—largely Euro-centric, low-intervention varietals without, unfortunately, a single house-made sighting as suggested in the parking lot—weren’t always truly as wild as advertised, and could be at times overmatched by the atypical palate of sweets and sours. That said, and perhaps more importantly, the drinks were generously poured, further fortifying the room’s relaxed, convivial air. Given the size of the space and the nature of those who run it, at least one of the trio is constantly interacting with the guests, diving into each dish’s history to help make for an intellectually engaging atmosphere that left most of us happy.

    Though most visitors to Kemah, by necessity alone, will be perfectly content with a plate of Lt. Dan’s Pork Ribs & Shrimp, those fortunate enough to travel in search of story-based, Insta-worthy cuisine might consider Th_Prsrv experience to be a relative bargain.

    Two dessert plates and a glass of wine on a wooden table in an upscale restaurant.
    Ending the meal with fallen snow, plus sticky rice in a banana leaf.

    By the end of the evening, as we stumble back into the night outside, the neon of the boardwalk flashing somewhere in the distance, one can’t help but feel a bit disoriented. At least as pedantic as it is flavorful, Th_Prsrv’s menu plays with the very concept of authenticity, fully embracing the diasporic nature of all foods while completely detaching itself from its surroundings. As a result, this sort of dual narrative indigenous cuisine seems to sprout neither from Kemah, nor Houston, nor even Texas, but from the space between history and memoir. Ultimately, the epicurean spectacle of it all makes the meal memorable, a kind of dinner theater that’s well worth the drive, no matter how disorienting were its surrounds.

    Th_Prsrv. 709 Harris Ave, Kemah, TX. 281.857.6492. $149, plus $129 for drink pairings.

  • The Best of the Bettole: Two Pubs in Paradiso

    The Best of the Bettole: Two Pubs in Paradiso

    On an old television in the corner of the pub, an augur of inaugurated bronze doom flickers, dressed like a child in a suit that’s several sizes too big. Here, a man of untold misery and loneliness rests his hand on a bible, muttering inaudibly with a scowl shared by all around him.

    Forcing myself to look away, I pour molten wax onto the tip of my finger, drop by drop, then rub it into the mahogany table ad nauseam. I feel nothing.

    “Look at America! Look how sad he is,” squeals Lur, the wild-haired Cuban woman sitting by the front door. She claps her hands together in hysterics, as she always does. After a month’s worth of nights at Bistrò, Lur has yet to learn my name, content in calling me “America” while scoffing in mockery at just about everything I say. I don’t object, for I am a beta cuck.

    Lur’s husband, Marco, the pensive and wise bartender of the tiny, wood-lined bar, looks at me with pity, and calls me to the till by name. His graying hair is pulled back in a ponytail, hemp necklace dangling from his sunburned neck; he reeks of spliff. Pulling a greasy bottle from beneath the bar, he pours me a large glass of some clear and wicked liquor reserved, it seems, only for emergencies. “From my garden,” Marco says mournfully, his voice gruff and nasal. “Please.”

    “Offer, I, too for you?” My Italian, broken and soaked through in sour wine, sounds as pathetic as I feel. He waves it off, pushing the shot under my hanging head. It stings my nostrils. With a backward tilt of my head, it disappears. Magic.

    Winter, 2017. In the wake of an Orange November, I trade my savings for a few months’ rent in a moist, fungal apartment carved into the castle rock of Dolceacqua.

    Neither Italian nor French, this tiny village above the Rivêa d’e Sciûe (Liguria’s Floral Coast) offers visitors a privileged plunge into an ancient and romantic world mere minutes from the Casino de Monte-carlo and the migrant detention centers of Ventimiglia. During the warmer months, spandex-clad bikers stop here for torta verde and pigato wine in the midst of their Le Tour, niçoise families retreat from crowded beaches to flood the town’s taverns for rabbit, boar, and a few glasses of the local rossesse, and immigrants risk their lives crossing the highway for France under the blanket of night in pursuit of a better life.

    These days, however, Dolceacqua is largely still, silent, and covered with a thin, cool film of condensation. This heavy mist blots the ruins of the Castle Doria from sight, the Nervia River slows to a trickle under the bulbous, 15th century Old Bridge, and with hardly an outsider around, the streets are starved for footsteps:

    At the historic Cinema Cristallo, a teenaged ticket-taker sighs with boredom, so slight was the draw one month into the screening of Lion, the three-time AARP Movies for Grownups Award nominee starring Dev Patel as Australian entrepreneur Saroo Brierly; at Piazza Garibaldi’s finest pizzeria, a balding server in a wine-stained apron polishes silverware on a white tablecloth set for guests that just weren’t coming; down the Via Patrioti Martiri (Martyred Patriots Street), a pub oozes an alluring familiarity: tinny sounds of the Sex Pistols spill out onto the cobblestone amidst rusted signs advertising Guinness to great effect.

    Five depictions of heraldic black eagles.
    Heraldic eagles through the ages.

    With that double shot of garden poison rotting my gut, I peer into the AquilaNera Irish Pub with much apprehension. Where I had avoided the familiar in Dolceacqua up until now, my love of potato chips, sticky floors, and the inimitable contours of an imperial pint glass pouring that rich, foamy stout oyster down my gullet was simply too much to resist.

    It was like entering a haunted house. “Salve, c’è qualcuno,” my voice echoes. “Anyone there?” As I wobble my way onto a stool, resting my head on the bar, a lanky figure emerges from the back with a Cheshire grin of welcome.

    “You alright ovar ‘dere,” she asks, her Cheshire—er, Kilkenny—grin melting away. It was the first bit of native English I’d heard in months, and I sit up in surprise.

    “Oh, it’s just I’m…I’m American,” I say, feeling a little naughty speaking my own language.

    A voice startles me from a table along the wall. “One hell of a day for yez today, bruv?” An outstretched arm, holding up the remains of a whisky on the rocks, startles me from the darkness. “Put ‘at one on my tab, Col’,” he says to the bartender, before settling at my right. Don’ mind ‘f I join ya?” He unfurls a newspaper at taps his rocks glass for a refill.

    “You’re…the waiter…” I say, gobsmacked. I’d been greeting him all this time as he polished his wares, thinking him to be a local when he’d been a damned Englishman all along.

    “Eh,” he grumbles. In close proximity I can see what must be years of fade coffee stains on his shirt, his ruddy skin pocked and bloated. He was certainly older than I’d initially thought, or was at least a hard-lived forty. He spreads his copy of The Daily Telegraph atop the bar, pointing to the picture on the front page, where that miserable bronze face glowered in a full-page spread. It was official.

    “T’America,” he says, clinking my glass and downing the rest of his drink.

    Col’ sets our new round on the bar begins to say something, but thinks better of it. The Englishman looks over the paper. “Bet all ‘at wiggling trash at the border’s shitting ‘mselves about now. America First, fookin’ right. Cheers.”

    I struggle to take my first sip, my ears ringing. OK. With a deep breath, I launch into a lecture of all the reasons I think this man is mistaken, spouting off a long list of reasons carefully curated from six months’ worth of progressive blogs, YouTube videos, and talks with my leftist friends. Why, he’s just a racist, sexist, proudly uneducated meanie, that’s all he is, I say, proud of myself. This guy doesn’t get it, I think. He’s on the other side of the world, how would he know?

    “Il fookin’ Doo-chay, man, that’s who he reminds me of.” The server sips his new drink, savoring it for a moment, and a devilish grin spreads on his face. “Now that was a fookin’ leader, Moosolini.” Col’ llooks on, bemused, polishing a pint glass. “Man had guts,” he continues, and I feel the red creep onto my cheeks. “Nowdays out here, we got all ‘m melanzane pouring in ‘n no one does fook all.”

    War flag of the Italian Social Republic
    “Hanno fatto anche buone cose!”

    “But I…I…” I shoot a look to the bartender for some backup, but she just shrugs. I’m in over my head. “Well. Agree to disagree,” I say, voice cracking. I wish I could hide behind my damned beer, but instead I pretend to look around the pub as the bald man continues on about racial purity. I wonder if that cobblestone on the vaulted ceiling is real, or painted on, I think, wanting anything but to look the man in the eye, though his focus is locked on mine. “Ha ha, maybe,” I say, drinking my beer as quickly as possible.

    With one final gulp that nearly drowns me, I stand and curtsy like a fucking idiot. “I thank you for the generosity,” I say with an almost courtly grandeur, “but I really must be going.” With a nod to the befuddled bartender, I take my leave from the pub.

    Wobbling more than ever back out on the street, I look back at the AquilaNera. Its wrought-iron mascot—an eponymous black eagle, naturally—soars above a maroon shield painted in medieval Blackletter. Black Eagle, I think to myself editorially. What an interesting name for a bar.

    La Fenice Bistrò. Via Roma, 26.
    Acquila Nera Irish Pub. Via Patrioti Martiri, 17.

  • The Best of the Bettole: Houston’s Double-Duty Dive

    The Best of the Bettole: Houston’s Double-Duty Dive

    By noon on Saturday, this side of the sidewalk bordering Houston’s Market Square Park is largely empty, but for three headless mannequins looking out from the window box, tempting the random agalmatophile at the very heart of old downtown.

    While two other excellent bettole remain closed at this hour, namely the hard-nosed, walnut-and-vinyl Warren’s Inn and the ancient and pleasantly-off La Carafe, CharBar’s mirrored doors only appear to shut to traffic, running counter to what the electric sign over the bare left shoulder of mannequin #3 might otherwise indicate.

    Inside, sunlight reflects off of glass-lined walls, obscuring the contents of the cabinets which run the length of the space. Spartan yet worn, this could be the back room of a strip club in the Eastern bloc, and lurking inside those wood-framed walls, there could be anything: sides of beef? Jars of pickled eggs? Dead dogs?

    From behind the bar, squinting into the light to make sense of my surprise of a silhouette, a man sighs into the phone. “Let me call you back,” he drolls in a voice rich and raspy, halfway to a Harvey Fierstein. “I have a customer.”

    There’s a mysterious plastic bag slouching on a barstool, a fraying trench coat draped on the chair back behind it. In the greasy, basketball-sized goblet at the curved end of the bar, only three peppermint puff candies remain, daring the foul-breathed; above the entrance at my back hangs the Steelers jersey of Galveston’s own Casey Hampton. A closer look inside the cabinets reveals epochs of fabric bolts and altered shirts. Behind the bar, a small picture frame cradles a photo of two identical dogs. On it, scrawled in fake handwriting, the immortal words “I Heart Dady.”

    Alongside Dady’s Dogs, there is a series of mammoth-sized family photos framed under panels of burlwood laminate. Between these, nailed off-kilter to the melamine, a tiny tile reads “Shalom Y’all” in blue letters. The barman, who bears exactly the same name as Detroit-born, Los Angeles-based Michael Shapiro – otherwise known as Poppy, my late maternal grandfather – represents his own Jewish identity with a golden Star of David necklace. Yes, this Michael Shapiro assures, there are Jews in Houston. Jewston! Who knew?

    One such Jew named George Meyer, it should be noted, “christened” his father’s peripheral acreage “Meyerland” in 1955 as part of a residential development located just beyond Interstate 610, approximately ten miles southwest of the setting of that which you are reading. In attendance at the groundbreaking ceremony of such, it is said and should be noted, was a long-since-dead and disgraced Californian named Richard Milhous Nixon, who once said of Jewish people, “generally speaking, you can’t trust the bastards.”

    CharBar’s menu features a sufficient variety of liquids intended for incremental brain damage, and the cheapest – a 330ml bottle of Anheuser-Busch-founded, San Antonio-based, Pabst Brewing Company-owned Lone Star Beer – runs at precisely four dollars and zero cents, and this is what I order. The barman, whose presumably-rayon shirt is rather summery and loud for this grim and cruel month of December, his beard downy-white and full, fishes in his fridge for the American Adjunct lager without success, offering a Miller Lite in its place.

    Several sips into such, a sharply-dressed young man enters the establishment, and Michael Shapiro greets him with familiarity and warmth before disappearing into a back room, with a short, silent, middle-aged woman in a moisture-wicking baseball cap emerging in his place.

    We wait in awkward silence for a moment. And another.

    Finally, Houston Poppy returns, handing the young man a dark-colored blazer and guiding him in front of a mirror, where he measures the garment from hem to chest to sleeve.

    Michael Shapiro, it seems, is a tailor. His father, Duke, was a tailor just the same.

    Michael’s grandfather, W.B. Samuelson – who one presumes was also once none other than another tailor – first opened this location in 1936, when it marked the midst of the Houston’s “Tailor’s Row”. Named “Duke of Hollywood” for Michael’s father – who This Michael Shapiro notes had nothing to do with the metonym for the American film industry located in the adoptive hometown of My Michael Shapiro – the shop outlasted both Samuelson and the eponymous Duke.

    Captained, in turn, by the young and affable Michael, the shop came upon hard times around the Age of Y2K, when Tailor’s Row was no more, prompting Houston Poppy to give Duke of Hollywood a certain fiscal jolt.

    In the subsequent two decades, the establishment has borne two distinct identities: by day, Michael sews and alters the gladrags, clobber, and habiliments of the Houston public. By night, assuming a name taken from Michael’s daughter, Charlien, CharBar trades its shears and thimbles for procurable beverages of varying degrees of flammability. Occasionally, as in this particular instance, the latter function overlaps with former’s timeframe; occasionally during the latter’s later hours, the bar’s second story also plays host to any number of ghost tours ready, one presumes, to exorcise the malevolent spirit of a certain antisemitic presidential poltergeist, should he dare set his phantasmagoric foot on the premises.

    As the dapper young coxcomb departs in his newly-fitted duds, another arrives with a new suit in hand, and Michael’s face lights up in welcome. Finishing off my beer, I find myself wishing I might exist in a world where I had a suit or suits to be altered with such regularity: it’s clear that these people love their tailor, and that he loves them back.

    No doubt, Downtown Houston suffers for no want of their own high-level bettole, and indeed it may not be the only one in the city sunlighting as a tailor and owned by a wry Jew in his seventies, but I feel confident that it is most certainly the best.

    CharBar. 305 Travis Street. Houston.

  • The Best of the Bettole: A Ping Pong Party in New Orleans

    The Best of the Bettole: A Ping Pong Party in New Orleans

    The floors are ever-sticky in well-worn patches of Celtic green and the back room welcomes with cold cinder block walls painted in a dank, prison-like mauve. Few public comforts can be found quite like those overstuft couches of split leather, crumbling microfiber, and stained chenille; untold organisms tickle you as you sink into concave cushions, kicking your feet up, knocking over a stale glass of melted rum and cigarette ash, changing the channel on one of several TVs for playoff baseball no one else cares to watch. This is a bar for games: shuffleboard tables sloping and worn and gritty with sand; pulpy dartboards; 20th century pinball; life-sized, war-torn, Jenga blocks scarred in scrawl and soaked in Fireball.

    Up front, a pool table sheds felt under the constant patrol of stern-and-furrowed leather jackets drinking whisky sodas and smoking Newports with a foot out the front door, shouting at their short friend. A digital jukebox spits out Kid Rock or 50 Cent and there’s a dog with a skin disease and his leash is wrapped around a barstool and its owner could be anyone. The bartender is good if you are but has no problem kicking the shit out of you.

    A pair of spangled bleach-blondes hand out free samples of energy drinks to an ogling old man who sports a Mardi Gras polo even though it’s only October. A crockpot of tinned chili waits by the door alongside a bag of buns, a bottle of crusty Cajun Pete’s hot sauce, the worst of brands, and a tub of boiled, spongey hot dogs, free to all and ready to soak up a regrettable shot of Gordon’s Dry.

    Tonight, there’s ping pong out back. Its net drapes uselessly on the uneven table like underwear in the trash, torn and forgotten and smelling something wretched. A pair of wobbling women port four soggy paddles from the bar, challenging us two to a duel. But first: the greying brunette enlists my friend to score a round up front, conspicuously ignoring the window at the bar’s back which services the back room; now alone, the redhead smiles out of the corner of her mouth, eyes narrowed and cynical.

    Nearly balancing a leaky vodka-cran and a lit Capri with one hand floating dangerously in the air, she tries to start a rally but misses the table; in the moment it takes to retrieve the ball, she’s flipped off all her clothes and the back room fills with her weird perfume. I stutter, unable to get the words out, and she laughs hoarse, skunking me on two consecutive serves, reaching absolute and unassailable competitive advantage. “Thisses our secret,” she slurs, and pulls on her clothes just as our friends return with drinks. I’m full of whisky and $1.75 PBRs, myself, and unsure if I really saw what I just saw. My friend refuses to believe me; I can’t focus; the girls beat us badly, and they would have either way.

    Taking a bottle of Bud Light to go, I hit a pothole on my bike ride home and soak my clothes through with cheap beer. It’s cold as hell and the streets of Mid City are dark and dead and it’s all one can hope for on a Monday night.

    Mick’s Irish Pub. 4801 Bienville Street. New Orleans.

  • The Rancid Root of Health: yesterday’s favorite soft drink

    The Rancid Root of Health: yesterday’s favorite soft drink

    Before there was Goop and #proffee, there was root beer. However irrelevant it seems now, claiming approximately 0.003% of the global market share of carbonated soft drinks while remaining all but unknown outside of the United States, this indigenous elixir-turned poor man’s Dr. Pepper effectively paved the way for the big business of liquid diabetes we know today. And it all began in the name of good health.

    Since time prehistoric, indigenous people of eastern forests of North America would drink boiled roots and berries to manage a host of afflictions, from rheumatism to gout. British conquistador and conspirator Walter Raleigh, who learned of the practice in 1585 during his nation’s first failed attempt to claim the Americas, brought sassafras and other “cordials” back to Briton to sell as miraculous health tonics.

    Three centuries later, as the Temperance Movement swept through the United States,

    teetotaling druggist Charles Hires would “invent” an alcohol-free tea culled from the woodlands of his native New Jersey. Combining between 16 and 26 powdered ingredients, from sassafras to wintergreen, Hires first marketed his blend to health-conscious homebrewers. 

    Looking to appeal to stalwart, tea-averse miners at the purported urging of Temple University’s founding President, Hires rechristened his beverage root “beer” while leaning on recent bottling innovations to increase access for all. This combined with Hires’ marketing moxie—wherein he claimed that his drink could cure everything from tuberculosis to cancer—quickly made the upstart pharmacist a millionaire. 

    A vintage ad showing how much babies love root beer.
    Good for babies! Courtesy of Boston Public Library, ca. 1894.

    Before the end of the century, however, myriad competitors had emerged to get their own slice of the Temperance pie, from Emile A. Zatarain, Sr. to Edward Barq. By 1886, morphine addict and ex-confederate soldier John Pemberton also joined the party, dealcoholizing his “French Wine Coca” to give birth to what he called “a most wonderful invigorator of sexual organs,” otherwise known as Coca-Cola. 

    The success of these entrepreneurs didn’t go entirely unchecked, of course. For three years, the Woman’s Christian Temperance Union locked Hires in litigation until he could prove that his new “beer” was indeed alcohol-free. Meanwhile in the south, unfounded racist outrage preempted Coca-Cola to go cocaine-free in 1903, just three years before Congress passed the Pure Food and Drug Act to establish federal labeling requirements while attempting to handcuff snakeoil-style marketing claims. 

    It wasn’t until 1960 when the FDA would ban unprocessed sassafras—a natural building block of the drug MDMA—under the largely unsubstantiated grounds that it was a carcinogen. In the same year, Hires’ family sold the late founder’s company to the first in a line of culinary conglomerates; its current overlord, Keurig Dr. Pepper, remains tight-lipped as to whether Hires even remains in production at all.

    Now straddling the gray area between “natural” and “artificial” flavors, such soft drinks instead lean on the addictive and fleetingly euphoric effects of upwards of 40 grams of sugar per can, a proven source of the many ailments it once claimed to have cured.  

    Worth $221.6 billion globally as of 2020, the carbonated soft drink industry continues to thrive at the expense of its consumers, but the market indicates an ever-growing thirst for healthier options. In an era when the global wellness industry is currently valued at $4.4 trillion and TikTok health trends practically dominate the discourse, perhaps things are starting to come full circle. Next stop, New Jersey woodlands?

  • The Moonshine Itch

    The Moonshine Itch

    For years, I harbored a half-hearted desire to craft my own homemade liqueurs.

    The desire was genuine to the extent that once you’ve sat around a table in a smoke-filled Italian flat at 2 a.m., pounding homemade amaro while debating whether Europe or the U.S. is more racist, that overly sweet, slightly chemical-tasting shit they sell in supermarkets immediately loses all appeal.

    But it was artificial in the sense that it wasn’t accompanied by any real commitment — and what is desire without commitment? It feels hollow to say I “wanted” to make homemade limoncello if, for two years, I kept a photocopy of a friend’s hand-written family recipe, but never actually followed it.

    Mostly, I wanted to be the type of person who wanted to make homemade limoncello.

    At the beginning of the coronavirus pandemic, I was hopeful that my lack of social life brought on by Italy’s two-month hard lockdown would transform me into a one-woman distillery. As a writer, this seemed like the ideal quarantine hobby. Hemingway would not have grown sourdough starter; he would have hunted down some 96 percent grain alcohol and foraged mountain berries to brew his own digestif. And since I too was a Writer — with a capital W, ahem — I would get to work infusing.

    But the pandemic left me buried under work as I reported on the devastation that Covid-19 had wrought across Northern Italy. In March, elderly women who had survived bomb shelters during World War II described being shocked nonetheless by the pandemic. In April, volunteers raised a field hospital in just 9 days in the town of Bergamo, where nearly everyone had lost a friend or relative to the virus. In July, a chief anti-mafia prosecutor explained how organized crime was trying to get its hands on coronavirus recovery money.

    At night, I was interested in drinking alcohol, but not making it.

    It wasn’t until early November that the right motivation finally came along: the US election results, or more accurately, the lack thereof. The morning after the election, with bags under my eyes and still wearing a gray pajama top, I floated into the kitchen with only one goal: I would distract myself from the uncertainty of whether American democracy would live or die by making limoncello.

    Unlike Italy’s centuries-old amari, limoncello didn’t take off as a liqueur until the early 1900s. Before that, “limoncello” usually referred to a small varietal of lemons, or a type of lemonade. The advent of refrigeration likely contributed to its astonishing popularity as an alcoholic substance — as did Danny DeVito. After the Italian-American actor appeared drunk on “The View” in 2006 and blamed it on limoncello, sales of limoncello spiked not only in the US, but incredibly, in Italy.

    The key to making limoncello, I learned, was to peel off the yellow rind without snagging the white pith beneath. Macerating the white part in alcohol will make the whole thing taste bitter — a depressingly timely metaphor as police brutality is once again making headlines in the U.S. — whereas the yellow part is where the citrus oils reside. Pith aside, making limoncello is really the art of turning the bitter, discarded part of the fruit into a vehicle for camaraderie and connection.

    In truth, my recipe was a spinoff of limoncello called crema di limoncello that can best be described as alcoholic lemon sherbet. The only ingredients are grain alcohol steeped with lemon peels, sugar, milk, a little bit of cream and vanilla. No citric acid additives or yellow color no. 36 or whatever “natural and artificial flavors” you find in a limoncello bottle shaped like the leaning tower of Pisa (kudos to the alcohol lobby for their tireless efforts in making booze the only food product without the ingredients listed).

    The other ingredient required of any alcoholic endeavor is, of course, time.

    Just as wine and whiskey need time to age, homemade liqueurs need time to steep, bind ferment and coalesce. For almost a week, I tried to temper the rabid attention I was inclined to pay the electoral results trickling in from 4,000 miles away. In the meantime, I left a giant empty olive jar full of grain alcohol and lemon peels tucked away in a dark cabinet. Every day, I took it out and gave it a good shake. To my surprise, the alcohol started turning yellow after just a day. After five days, it was electric.

    The magic is underway. Photo courtesy of the author.

    The day after Joe Biden’s victory was announced, my neon-yellow grain alcohol caterpillar was ready to become a beautiful boozy butterfly.

    I filtered out the lemon peels and added them to a pot of boiling milk, sugar, cream and vanilla. Then I stirred in the alcohol and, after removing the peels for a final time, funneled the mixture into empty wine bottles and left them in the freezer overnight. But even before the crema di limoncello was chilled, I couldn’t help sneaking a taste.

    The result was fucking delicious. I wanted more.

    I wondered: What would happen if I made crema di limoncello with less sugar? What if I made it without the crema? What if I steeped the lemon peels for a month instead of a week?

    I decided to try making normal limoncello. And then almond liqueur, orange liqueur, spiced orange liqueur, something more herbal. I loaded up my shopping basket with one-liter bottles of pure alcohol, bags of lemons and oranges, and sacks of herbs.

    I had officially caught the moonshine itch.

    Perhaps the outcome was inevitable, given the parallels between my tripartite obsession with spirits, writing and politics. Each case represents an attempt to isolate the right details and harness the exact, often unexpected elements that will allow us to spin the bitter parts of life into something satisfying, meaningful — and maybe even a little sweet.

     

  • Blue

    Blue

    I heard Joni through the speakers and was feeling rather Blue
    With no rounds for freaks nor soldiers, nor lovers to shampoo.
    You see, there’s a pandemic, and a consequential pause
    Of the merry meets and mundane feats that give the days their cause.

    In their place we have been spending quite a bit of time in house
    I once loved it as my refuge; now I rot in here, a louse.
    I could drink a case of you
    , pines Joni, ever tender,
    Yet in Covid times, the lyric gives but license for a bender.

    I went fishing in my icebox, then, for drink, or bite of green,
    Or a fleeting A to festering Q of “what does this all mean?”
    Betwixt the heads of broccoli and Dijon mustard, soured,
    I ‘spected find a snack, a beer, a Blanc to be devoured.

    The wind is in from Africa, Miss Mitchell chirps, melodious,
    As I chance upon a pot that smells like pits of one ex-POTUS.
    I hold my breath and lift the lid, revealing chickpeas, furried,
    Dust clouds got in my way, and it was to the sink I scurried.

    She once sang of stardust, Joni, and indeed, I’m bathed in flecks,
    Not golden, though, but mold-en motes cling to my turtleneck.
    I rinse away the particles, black faux-cashmere now spared
    But the putrid peas await my touch; I must confess I’m scared.

    I glove a hand and hear ‘bout how we’ve gotta get back to the garden
    I ache for my pre-Covid life and marvel, How peas harden!
    To extricate them from this pan might take an act of Congress
    But failing that, I’ll manage with some strains from one blue songstress.

    Ahead of my first stab at scooping out these peas to compost,
    I spot Barilla butterflies – it seems the peas had co-hosts!
    Who knew pasta e ceci could produce a form so nasty?
    I ‘spose all bodies shrivel, sans the right cosmetic –plasty.

    My mind turns back to Joni, to my ever-dwindling youth,
    spent in
    lockdown, when I wish to wear it in the world. (Uncouth?)
    Belonging to the living
    does indeed mean growing old,
    A gift – at least in times when life stinks less of chickpea mold.

    The real deal. Courtesy of the author/chef.
  • I Pooped My Pants Camping in Iceland So You Don’t Have To

    I Pooped My Pants Camping in Iceland So You Don’t Have To

    The Westman Islands (regionally called Vestmannaeyjar) are a collection of remote, mostly uninhabited islands off the south coast of Iceland. These otherworldly archipelagos are known for intense jagged rock formations that are home to a plethora of birdlife. Among them, puffins are known to burrow and nest in the nooks and crannies of these austere pieces of land formed by underwater volcanic eruptions 10-20 thousand years ago. Only one island, Heimaey, is inhabited and can be reached by ferry from Landeyjahöfn. While many who have the chance to experience these glorious islands would say they took their breath away, I am able to say that they literally made me shit my pants.

    Butterfish:those who have tried it, know to stay away. Although it melts in your mouth, acquiring its name from its buttery texture and rich, smooth flavor  and comes at a fraction of the cost of many other options—you will pay for it in other ways. Banned in Japan and Italy and highly regulated in many other countries, butterfish, otherwise known as escolar, can cause a multitude of issues for some eaters. These may include, according to Health Canada, “one or more of the following: the rectal passage of an oily yellow or orange substance (called keriorrhea), diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, and headache.”  I was well-aware of these dangers having worked in a restaurant that served butterfish. What I didn’t know is that this slippery fucker goes by many names.

    Our trip was a family (my husband, 6-year-old son and myself) camping expedition, and the campsite on Heimaey was beyond beauty I can shape into words. We found a spot behind some rolling hills that doubled as hobbit houses and luxuriated in the backdrop of blue skies, Simpson clouds, a massive wall of verdant cliffs scattered with sheep and the swiss cheese-like sides overlooking the ocean with thousands of puffins soaring in and out of their cubbies. It was a warm day, so we walked into town for lunch and decided upon The Brothers Brewery, the only brewery on the island that had a cute bistro with outdoor seating. Always looking to take in the local offerings, I asked what the fresh catch of the day was. I should have shuddered with PTSD flashbacks when they described the walu as a “flaky white fish”, as that is exactly how we would describe the Butterfish to patrons at Karla’s in New Hope, PA (unless we liked them, in which we would tell them to stay the fuck away). Instead, I ordered it up and demolished it, and much like the abyss when you stare into it, the walu, in turn, demolished me.

    The butterfish before the storm. Photo courtesy of the author.

    Following lunch, we went to an interesting swimming area with numerous pools of varying temperatures from freezing cold to volcanically-hot. There was an area for kids and families that included waterfalls, pool, rock climbing walls and slides that culminated in a massive bounce pad that hurled you into space before dropping you into tepid water. My stomach had started to bother me but I assumed it had to do with being tossed around and screwing with my body temperature. I could not have been more wrong.

    Back at the campsite, I found myself barreling to the only two bathroom stalls numerous times and started to recall the horrors I, many of Karla’s patrons, as well as the bathroom attendant, had endured as a consequence of butterfish. The non-stop, oily, orange sludge is unlike any other stomach ailment side-effect known to man.  But I hadn’t eaten butterfish. What did I order again? Walu? What is Walu?” As the night wore on, I found myself unable to sleep. Awoken by cramping and the urge to run for the toilets over and over, up and down the hills, the sheep bleating and laughing at me—until I decided to just stay. Just stay on the toilet and resign myself to the worst night of camping ever.

    The next day I had promised my son I would take him on puffling patrol and to the rescue aquarium, Sea Life Trust, while my husband golfed. My stomach had settled a bit so we headed to the ports at sunrise. While we were out, the issues resurfaced and we got a tour of most of the bathrooms on Heimaey. With limited cell service, I was unable to research other names for butterfish but it proved to be inconsequential. While strolling past the tanks of rescued local fauna, buttcheeks clenched, I stumbled upon my nemesis. Each tank had a bubble that served as sort of a fish-eye lens to better view the wildlife. In front of me was a long, almost eel-like fucker staring me down—practically dancing. I looked to the placard next to the tank and there it was, “Walu, an escolar, sometimes known as butterfish.” I had unmasked my monster and it was mocking me.

    We walked to meet my husband at the golf course (with a few more bathroom tours). Breathtaking views of green, rolling hills set against black sand basalt cliffs were at once hauntingly gothic and fairy-like. In awe of a natural composition so overwhelming, I almost forgot about my “situation”. I started to tell my husband that I was right—I had eaten butterfish! But before I could relay the tale of the squirmy asshole in the tank, my stomach began to roll as if a hundred marbles were on spin-cycle inside of it. I began to run towards the impossibly far toilets, but running was a precarious mode of travel. Speed walking offered a safer method of containment but wasn’t quite fast enough. Through the hopelessly beautiful and untainted stretch of earth, I urged myself towards my destination—only to fall short and taint the entire experience (along with my underwear). I walked away (awkwardly) with the knowledge of this monster’s many names, and I will share them with you now, dear reader. I urge you to withhold walu (waloo in Hawaii), snub snake mackerel, eschew escolar, oppose oilfish and spurn super white tuna—your gutty-works will thank you.

     

  • Ich bin ein Negroni

    Ich bin ein Negroni

    A Florentine boozer in Berlino.

    In Berlin, tagging is everywhere. It covers any wall, door, or literally any surface your eyes fall upon. We are just a few hours away from the “light lockdown” announced by Frau Merkel, and the city is frantically trying to devour itself before restaurants, bars, theaters and the notorious club scene will shut down for at least a month, but likely much longer. It feels like it will be forever. I left Italy the day before Florence and Tuscany were declared “high risk areas” by the German government and I feel like a scruffy rat that has jumped from one sinking ship to another. My only hope at this point is that the German ship is more robust, or that at least it will sink slower. 

    I am 30 minutes too early for one of the last events of the winter, “Rawabies: Disruptive Nights” at the Vierte Welt Center of Kreuzberg. I do not know what the performance is about, I just hope that it will be in a language I can kind of understand. 

    Since I have time, I decide to enjoy the moment and order a Negroni at the first bar in sight with a free wooden bench outside. I’m avoiding the crowd inside the bar, I congratulate myself for being a considerate citizen, but that’s a lie of the cheap kind. The truth is that I just want to smoke my hand-rolled American Spirits unpunished. 

    The waitress brings me a Bacardi glass filled with salt-covered pretzel sticks and the Negroni. I sip the drink with the recondite hope of finding it disgusting, ethnically inferior to its purebred Florentine counterpart. After all, Florence was the birthplace of the Negroni, invented by Count Camillo Negroni, renowned gambler and drunk, in the noble Caffé Giacosa .

    \

    The bar, when it still existed, was in the central Via della Spada, and I never even dared to enter. The reason for my hesitation was that unfortunately it was next to the “Maison Cavalli”, one of many luxury shops of the fancy Via Tornabuoni; I always felt that neither my shoes nor my bank account were polished enough to order a Negroni there. 

    Then, in 2017, ⅓  of real estate hunger, ⅓ of financial fallout, and ⅓ of avid opportunism conspired together in the cocktail mixer, and served the café a fatal brew. The boutique-café of the fashion corporation decided to close its Florentine shop to focus on the only shops still turning a profit, those in China and Dubai. 

    The new Armani shops that cannibalized the space of their smaller competitor did not feel the urge to preserve the Caffe Giacosa. The bar was to be dismantled and sold as empty property, writing the last chapter for the renowned birthplace of Negroni.  I like to imagine the spirit of Count Camillo Negroni as a restless presence roaming the corner between Via della Spada and Via Tornabuoni, endlessly thirsty for his Aperitivo. 

    With yet another luxury retailer now occupying the old Caffé Giacosa, Florence has been enriched with yet another window in which a 4.000 euro suit worn by a headless mannequin is displayed, a grotesque but fair depiction of the city’s forever-ruling Elite. 

    It doesn’t matter whether or not I’ve stepped foot  in Caffe’ Giacosa. I am Florentine, so I know the taste of a true Negroni better than anyone else. It is carved in my essence and runs into my blood. 

    But then something happens: as soon as the bitter taste of Campari mixed with the herbal-sweet vermouth, both given an extra kick by the gin, hits my fake snob palate,  my carefully-built system of beliefs collapses. I have to confess to myself that this accidental Berlin bar has done a better Negroni than the hundreds of five euro pseudo-Negronis which I’ve sipped and the ten I’ve regurgitated in the puzzle of squares and streets that is Florence. 

    In any case, the Negroni will help. I assault the pretzels and wash the salt away with my drink. With my right hand I roll a cigarette. I tell myself that though it has been 4 years since I quit, everybody knows that le bionde cigarettes are a Negroni’s best friend, and the pile of smoking scheiße that the annus horribilis of 2020 has been so far is as good of a justification as any to shatter my already-fragile discipline. Not that I ever believed in a long and healthy life anyway.

    I get distracted by the graffiti again, wondering about the various hands that made it. I stub out the butt of my cigarette in the ashtray and check my phone. I realize that it is just 5 minutes until the show starts. I quickly decide that it is better to move my ass and go to the performance, since it is most likely my last occasion to participate in an event that requires me to wear pants and is not to be held in the aseptic digital world. 

     I chug half of the Negroni and slip five euros under the glass. Before leaving, I stick my finger in the cold ice at the bottom of the glass to pick out the alcohol-soaked orange slice, the secret gift of any good Negroni. I stand and hobble away, my leg having fallen asleep and the orange slice still in my mouth.

    Tomorrow the lockdown will start. It might be for a while, but I am already thinking of my next rendezvous with my only beloved aristocrat and his bitter kick.

    Still from the film DUE PERDIGIORNI GET DRUNK FOR 10 HOURS (Millman, 2020).

    Recipe: The Negroni

    In a rocks glass with plenty of ice (stirred, not shaken):
    -3 parts mediocre London dry gin (i.e. Tanqueray)
    -3 parts red vermouth (i.e. Martini)
    -3 parts bitter aperitif (i.e. Campari)
    -orange slice
  • Homage to o’ Musso

    Homage to o’ Musso

    Glow of gum
    And sea of spittle
    neon captain calls, vien’cca!
    Feral and grave
    Lemon of pink
    Salting hornwise, loose and every which way

    Thieve my money, o shouty man
    O laughy man, just take my tenner
    Thy house of mirrors
    of cheerful cartilagenry
    Like lissome loaves of salty soap
    Gushing acid on rancid tongue

    Smuscolato
    Smaschiato
    Smascherato
    Miscuglio della mucca
    Muschiata
    E mezza morta
    Come me.